TFMR: Fighting With God
Have you ever been mad at God? Like truly angry with Him? I have. And, to be completely honest…I’m still working through my anger. I refused to pray for the first month and half, or so, after Archie’s death. I was (and am) so angry that God would allow me to carry a baby to 18 weeks - allow me to find out that baby was a boy, name that baby, tell literally everyone about that baby - and then take that baby away. Not only take him away, but force my husband and I to choose the exact moment our baby would die. I have very little experience being a parent, but even so, I find myself asking how a loving parent could allow their child to go through such heartbreak. God is supposed to be a loving Father. He is supposed to be our protector and our safe space. So, how is it that He has allowed me to experience the worst pain I could have ever imagined? People (many of them well-meaning) have lots of go-to phrases in situations like this…"Everything happens for a reason.” Oh really? It makes me feel so much better that there was a good “reason” my child had to die…NOT. “Maybe God knew something was wrong with the baby, and so this was an act of mercy.” Well, maybe God, the creator of the universe, could have not allowed there to be something fatally wrong with my child. Maybe since He is the creator of life He should have created a viable life. “God is good.” That may be true. However, in this moment, God has never felt less “good” to me.
As I said, most people are well-meaning in their attempts to comfort you. But, the bottom line is there are no words. There is no explanation as to why the God I have prayed to since the age of four would allow me to walk this road that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I am truly amazed when people go through horrific circumstances and continue to preach things such as "God is good all the time.” I have found this level of faith to be impossible. What about losing a child is good? What about that could possibly by necessary? Is it a test? Is it a punishment? I’d certainly hope not. But, the truth is we do not know why God allows us to go through certain things. We do not and will not always understand why He does what He does, or allows what He allows. I understand that we live in a fallen world, but that isn’t a helpful explanation for this type of trauma. I want to be incredibly transparent, y’all. I have STRUGGLED since 5/8/23 - the day we found out Archie would not survive. I have struggled to believe God is good. I have struggled to pray. I have struggled, perhaps most of all, to trust God. And, how can there be love without trust? Yesterday in therapy, my therapist recommended writing out my feelings in the format of “Even though I feel __________, I know that __________. The idea being that our feelings often contradict what we know to be true. For example: Even though I feel like God has completely abandoned me, I know that He promises to never forsake me. Even though I feel like God is being mean, I know that He is good.
I have been a Christian since I was four years old. I know how I am “supposed to” respond to loss. I know I am supposed to trust God, and lean on Him even when terrible things happen to me. But, what I have also learned over the past three months is that maybe it’s okay if I don’t immediately react the way I’m “supposed to.” My mom, who is one of the most godly women I know, told me recently that God understands the way I am feeling. My therapist further confirmed this by reminding me of the story of Lazarus, in the Bible. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept and mourned with Lazarus’ family and friends. Jesus knew that Lazarus would be resurrected. However, He did not diminish the feelings of those around Him. He understood their need to grieve and allowed them that time and space. What I have come to realize is that God does not expect me to stick a smile on my face and pretend as though nothing is wrong. He does not expect me to do anything other than mourn and grieve at this time. My anger does not surprise Him. He is not caught off guard by my tears of grief, screams of rage or thoughts of despair. He understands, and He waits patiently for me to seek the type of comfort only He can give.
Shortly after Archie’s passing, a dear friend sent me a devotional, Loved Baby, which includes 31 devotionals specific to pregnancy loss. I started reading the devotional before I was ready to start praying again. It was the stepping stone I needed when I just couldn’t bring myself to talk directly to God - unless of course I was angrily telling Him I wasn’t talking to Him. To be honest…a lot of my prayers still include letting God know that I don’t feel like talking to Him. I am honest in saying that I don’t trust Him right now - might as well tell Him…He knows my heart either way. This morning I prayed that God would help me to trust Him again. I want to trust that He still loves me. I want to trust that He knows and understands my desire to have a baby. I want to believe that He is going to allow me to get pregnant again, and to have a healthy baby. I have to actively fight the urge to think that God is purposely going to make it difficult for me to get pregnant this time around because it was just so freaking easy last time. My dad recently reminded me, “You know that’s not how God works.” And, yes, I do. I know He is not spiteful or cruel. I also know that He understands how I could feel that way in this moment. All I can do at this point is ask that He help me to remember and feel His love for me. All I can pray is that He soften my heart and help me to seek His peace, not speculate His plotting.
My life verse is Philippians 4: 6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. A “peace that transcends all understanding”. What a lovely thought. I have often prayed these words over friends and family navigating loss or heartbreak. Now I pray these same words over my own life and mind. I pray for a peace, a level of trust, a reminder of God’s faithfulness that surpasses anything this world has to offer. I wanted to write this post because I wanted to be honest about my feelings. I wanted to be vulnerable in the hope that someone reading this might feel less alone, less crazy, less “wrong” for being angry or for questioning God. God invites us to question, to understand. He invites us to communicate with Him, even if that communication is not always pleasant. I am learning to express my feelings (all of them) to God, instead of blocking Him out. I am learning to let Him in to my anger, as opposed to pushing Him away because of it. I am trying, and He is patient.
