TFMR: A Letter To My Son In Heaven
The day before the second and final part of my D&E, I wrote a letter to Archie. I was sitting on the couch, cramping (thanks to the multiple dilators inserted a few hours prior) and dreading the following morning with every single thing in me. V had run to the pharmacy to pick up my pain medication (ibuprofen). So, I spent a few minutes writing down everything I wanted to say to Archie - everything I wanted him to know. In perhaps my most vulnerable move ever, I want to share that letter with you. It is not beautifully written or especially inspiring, but it is a true representation of my mind and heart in the hours leading up to his arrival in Heaven.
Archie,
My baby…I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry your sweet life was cut far too short. I’m sorry I’ll never get to hold you, hug you, kiss your little face. I’m sorry I’ll never get to celebrate a birthday, or Halloween or Christmas with you. I’m sorry you’ll never get to meet your amazing Daddy…he seriously would have been the very best daddy. I’m sorry you’ll never get to meet all the people who already loved you so much.
I will miss you more than I know how to express with words. I will miss watching you graduate, get married, start a family of your own. I’m sorry you don’t get to experience those things. I wish more than anything I could have given you life. A full, wonderful life.
I hope you understand this decision your Daddy and I made. I don’t feel 100% confident it’s the right one, but we tried to be the best parents we could be in the worst situation imaginable. I hope you can forgive us and never doubt how incredibly wanted, loved and cherished you are. As soon as I get to Heaven, you’re the very first person I’m coming to find. I will hold you, and hug you and kiss your precious face. In the meantime, I want you to find your great-grandmas (Mary-Grace & Annie Belle Watkins). Yes…both their last names are Watkins. I’ll tell you the story one day. They will take the very best care of you until Daddy and I get there. You will always be our first baby. We will never ever forget you, our sweet boy!
I love you so much Vincent Archer!
Love,
Your Mama
*Fun fact: My Mom and Dad had the same last name BEFORE they got married. So, both sets of my grandparents were Watkins.
I was extremely close to both of my grandmothers, and I know that they were there to welcome my baby into Heaven. Since I live in my maternal grandparents’ house, there are lots of reminders of them around. One such reminder are the blue bird houses in the trees outside. All of my grandparents loved birds, and my Mema especially loved blue birds. So, I’ve chosen them as the symbol to remind me that Archie is safe, he is loved and he is waiting with the rest of my favorite angels to meet me one day. Whenever I see a blue bird in the yard or sitting on the deck, I smile.
