TFMR: Precious Remains
Prior to my D&E, we were asked what we would like to do with Archie’s remains. We were given essentially two options: allow the hospital to dispose of them, or have them sent to a funeral home in our area. I knew for certain I wanted what was left of our sweet baby. So, we opted to have a local funeral home cremate his remains. The Monday following my D&E, the funeral home called to advise we could pick up Archie’s ashes. I was blown away at how quickly they had called. I had just had the D&E on Thursday, but I was thrilled…or as thrilled as you can be about picking up your baby’s ashes. I just wanted to hold him. Holding his ashes would be the first time I got to physically “hold” my baby. V and I drove to the funeral home during his lunch break, where we were greeted by the sweetest woman. She escorted us into a private room to wait while she went to retrieve the ashes. It’s impossible to explain the thoughts running through my head as we waited in that very hot little room. It was surreal to realize we were waiting to pick up our son’s ashes. I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth we got here. As I replayed the past two weeks in my head, I tried to hold back the tears that so desperately wanted to be released. Moments later we were brought the tinniest box with the most precious contents I’ve ever held.
I couldn’t fathom that my baby was inside this box. The remains of his little body that I never got to hold now rested in this container. When we got home I wanted to see the ashes themselves. I needed to physically see what was left of him. I was shocked by how small the amount of his remains was. Yet another reminder that he was taken too soon, robbed of the life I so desperately wanted to share with him. I knew that I wanted to put some of his ashes into a necklace that I could wear everyday. So, I ordered a beautiful necklace on Etsy, and impatiently waited for it to arrive. I needed to have a piece of him with me at all times, on my body since he could no longer be in my body. When the necklace arrived, V and I immediately sat down at the dining room table to transfer a small amount of the ashes into my necklace. We filled my little necklace, which I have worn every single day since. I sleep in it, shower in it and work out in it. I never want to take it off.
When Archie was still inside of me, particularly after we found out he would not survive, I would often touch my stomach as a way to feel close to him, to “touch” him. But, in the days since the D&E, I found myself with nothing to touch when I missed him or thought of him. My necklace fixed that. I now grip the little urn that hangs from my neck whenever I think of my little boy - when I miss him, the life we were supposed to have together, the time we never got. I doubt I will ever stop wearing this necklace. We had quite a bit leftover after filling my necklace. So, I asked my mom if she would like to have some of Archie’s ashes for her own necklace. She eagerly said “yes”. So, we ordered her an urn necklace from Etsy, as well. Archie would have been her first grandchild. So, it’s very special for her to be able to carry a piece of him with her.
Despite what I initially thought was a very small amount of ashes, we still have the majority left after filling both mine and my mom’s necklaces. I’d like to get a little urn to display somewhere in our home. I know people have very different preferences when it comes to cremation vs. burial, and also what to do with someone’s ashes if they are cremated. For me, I want the reminder. As nice as the idea of sprinkling them somewhere special or meaningful is, I want to physically have all that’s left of my little boy. I want his earthly remains close to me. This makes me feel a connection to him. I doubt there will ever be a day that goes by when I don’t think of him. So, it’s not as if my necklace or an urn placed in our home is going to bring up feelings or emotions that aren’t already there. Again, this is just my preference, but I would encourage anyone dealing with a similar situation to listen to and respect your own personal needs. Whatever that may look like. What we do with a loved one’s remains is so essential to our healing. How we choose to honor/remember them is more for us than it is for them. So, do what feels most appropriate and beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing. In my case that looks like carrying a piece of Archie with me everywhere I go.
