Pregnancy After Loss
baby Wyndsor - 20 weeks 1 day
I was chatting with a friend the other day, who recently had her second baby following a miscarriage. As she described the feelings and emotions she was continuing to work through, I felt so incredibly seen and understood. It can sometimes feel like I’m being ungrateful when I am anything but overjoyed by being pregnant again. But, the truth is, there are so many mixed emotions that accompany pregnancy after loss, and that is 100% okay. To recognize these emotions does not mean I’m ungrateful. It means I’m human, and I’m navigating a very tricky situation. I am so incredibly grateful for this new life growing inside of me. I already love him so much, and wouldn’t trade him for anything. However…the excitement and gratitude I feel regarding this pregnancy, do not erase the heartbreak of losing Archie just last year. I’m a big believer in the idea that you can feel two things at once. I think especially when it comes to grief and moving forward, it is natural to feel a mixture of happiness and sadness, gratefulness and bitterness.
There have been a handful of moments so far this pregnancy where I have been struck by the realization of all the things Archie is going to miss out on, and that we will miss out on experiencing with him. Last month I was shopping for Wyndsor, finding the cutest little outfits for him, when an unwelcome thought creeped into my mind. I never really got to shop for Archie. We had looked (cute baby boy’s clothes are really hard to find), but I never had the experience of picking out outfits for his first year of life, bringing them home, washing them, and putting them away in his room. And, I will never get that experience, with him. This is one of several occasions when I have been saddened by the things I’ll never get to do for Archie. We have a beautiful nursery underway for Wyndsor. We never got to that point with Archie. We found out about his condition literally days after clearing out the room that would have been his. We never got to paint, or pick out a crib, or hang his name on the wall. Instead that room sat empty/became a storage space for miscellaneous items.
I want to be very clear, these moments of grief over what will never be in NO WAY diminish my excitement over or gratefulness for Wyndsor. They also do not not change the fact that I want to give Wyndsor the very best life possible. Instead, in addition to my feelings of love for Wyndsor, I feel a sense of…is it regret? Is it guilt? I don’t know exactly what to call it. Perhaps it’s just simply sadness.
The trickiest situation to navigate thus far was our 20-week anatomy scan. If you’ve been around for awhile, you will remember that the anatomy scan was when we found out Archie did not have kidneys, and therefore would not be able to survive outside of my body. The amount of anxiety that I felt going into our anatomy scan this time around was crippling. Realistically, I knew that Wyndsor did not have the same condition, as we had an early anatomy scan at 16 weeks to confirm that he did have developing kidneys. Additionally there was no indication that anything was wrong. However, emotionally, all I could think about was the moment our world shattered last year, the look on the ultrasound tech’s face when she realized there was no amniotic fluid, the small office they took us into to wait for the doctor to come and explain we were losing our baby. As much as I wanted to watch every moment of Wyndsor’s anatomy scan, I kept finding myself closing my eyes or looking at the ceiling, just hoping and praying that it would be over soon, and that nothing would be wrong.
Thankfully, we had an essentially perfect scan. Everything looked great! It was such a huge relief! And, it is something I am so incredibly grateful for. But, I have struggled remembering the excitement, the joy, the peace we were robbed of last time. It’s a strange feeling to celebrate one child, while still grieving another. It’s something I’m learning to live with because I don’t think the ache in my soul or empty space in heart will ever fully go away. While I can’t sit in these feelings, I do have to learn to function and move forward while managing them. I’m learning to cope, but the pain is still there.
I’m nervous how I will feel the first time I hold Wyndsor. Will I think of Archie? Is it fair to Wyndsor if I do? Is it disrespectful to Archie if I don’t? These are questions no one wants to have to answer. But, this is the reality of pregnancy after loss. I never fully understood until now that getting pregnant again does not heal the wound. Having a baby does not eliminate the pain of losing one.
Looking to the future, I am so incredibly excited to meet Wyndsor and learn every little detail about his unique personality. I know I’m going to love him in a way I have never experienced, and I cannot wait until he is here. I am also aware that the pain of losing Archie, the unfairness of saying goodbye at just 19 weeks 6 days, the emptiness caused by not having him present in our family…these are all normal feelings. I am not a bad mother to Wyndsor because I feel these things, and I’m not a bad mother to Archie because I couldn’t give him the same things I’m giving Wyndsor. I do not have all the answers, but I can tell you that if you are in a season of conflicting feelings, mixed emotions, confusing thoughts, you are not alone. And, it is okay. It is okay that you feel two things at once. It is okay that grief and gratefulness coexist. You will learn to manage both, with grace and patience. And, if you are navigating pregnancy after loss, I’m sending you every bit of love and hope.
-D
